i'm still breathing.

Graduation’s note.

Great day I had with the family. The kind of moment where I could actually see both my mom and dad are smiling to each other feeling proud of all the efforts and hard work they put just to make me able to graduate. My mom’s been waiting this moment for so long. She kept her feets stand straight up the ground in spite of all the pressure given by my dad. She believed in me and I did it.

However, somehow I felt hollow on the inside which I took no time to realize it; My beloved girlfriend. We had a problem, a BIG one.

Y’know the kind of feeling when you hate yourself more than anyone else for hurting someone you love? Y’know the kind of war you have between your brain and heart? I was on my way back home when I saw lights and the movement of cars that gave me a sudden snap of realization; things change, people grow. It hurt me instantly that I couldn’t hold my tears. I felt that I hadn’t been growing all these while. I changed, but not to the level of maturity I was supposed to be.

I don’t know where to start. I just don’t feel of saying a thing. It’s so complex that it shuts my brain from thinking logically and emotionally. Not a single solution is found. But I will pray, for her life, to be blessed with bright smiles that I couldn’t give and the best of luck for her future endeavors.

p.s. God bless you and your family, sweetheart.

notetoself.

I start my day with tears, listen to a song that brings memories of you. I don’t know what makes me to keep on loving, I don’t know why do you have to come back to me when you had everything you chose. Insecurities you said, I guess it’s so. I have them automatically planted in my heart ever since you screwed me for the first time. Do not blame me for having them in my life when it comes to love, I never asked for that. I never asked for having a nightmare every time I sleep. I never asked to be broken. You have been trying your best to convince me, endeavoring whatever you can to put myself at ease. I confess that I often back to the sate of putting my guard up whenever my heart and its insecurities come. Please don’t blame me for that, I simply do not want to walk in the dark path alone again. I do not want to pick my broken heart from the garbage bin again. I did that. I have been through that. It’s not easy to get up alone by myself. Isn’t that the consequences for you to take? Isn’t that something you get for what you did?

I shall, I can’t, I won’t fall to a hole of calamitous again. Nevertheless, believe me that this heart is still yours. It belongs to only you.